This might be a bit of a nothing post but we’ll see how it goes. I have felt a whole range of emotions these last couple of days and I feel like I just need to let them out.
This past Friday night I finally cried!! I have been waiting an hanging out to cry (bit weird) and I finally did out of no where! I didn’t cry about the mastectomy, I’m still content with that. I actually keep looking in the mirror at my new scar waiting for a reaction – waiting to see if I get upset, angry or feel embarrassed. BUT NOPE! Still proud as punch of my new breast-less chest.
Why I actually cried you ask? … My boyfriend and I were just laying about and I said something out loud that had been playing on my mind all day. Just out of no where I looked at him and I said “You know I’m going to lose my hair when I do chemo?” Boom.. automatic waterworks! Now that the mastectomy is over and the IVF process is very minimal I have had time to think about what’s next to come and that is chemotherapy…. and that honestly scares the shit out of me. That is the ugly part of Cancer.
I have been a little naive these last few weeks in thinking ohhh it’s going to be a breeze, my positive mindset and good vibes will trump anything that comes my way! And I still believe they can, but just with more gut and more of a fight because shit is about to get real…
Joe asked me what was wrong and what I was scared about. There were a couple of things; 1. Was that I still can’t believe I have Cancer. It makes me uncomfortable uttering the words “I have breast cancer” it honestly doesn’t even feel like I have cancer??.. Like you know when you have a flu or the measles… nope… it’s just not friggin normal!! I also want to make a personal note here by saying, I have never been ‘normal’ especially in my little family of 4. *shoutout to you Mum, Dad & Riley* I always had a condition they didn’t, only left handed one.. just unique in so many ways haha. Anyways, 2. I was also scared to lose all of my hair. Without sounding vein or anything my mum always use to say “You weren’t given much talent, but at least you’re pretty” haha. This was obviously a joke; I certainly don’t have much in the talent department – like I can’t dance, sing or juggle BUT I am caring, compassionate and loyal. I make up for lack of talent in great characteristics! LOL. I know that being pretty goes deeper than what’s on the surface, I’m not saying that if you have no hair you’re ugly. That’s just my comfort zone, that is what makes me feel pretty. I haven’t known any different, you know? I mean, there are some really gorgeous bald women out there, I’m well aware! Amber Rose, Megan Fox & Demi Moore even pulled it off! I just can’t for the life of me picture me hairless. Losing my hair is a little different to losing my boob. I was never in love with my boobs but I do happen to quite like my hair, a lot. Mainly because of the amazing hairdresser I have – *Shout out to you Amber from Ambience Hair Boutique! 😉 * I have rocked a few different cuts and colours and I just have so much fun with it!
I kept asking Joe if he cared that I lost my hair (I did this with the boob as well) but being the amazing man he is, he insisted that he 10000% did not care if I was hairless. Although he’s meant to say stuff like that, I knew that he wouldn’t care anyway. I just find myself worrying a little too much about stupid stuff like that. For example; With the mastectomy I worried too much about what people would think about the scar and the 1 boob – like will they think its gross or ugly? And then Joe said to me ‘What would you think if you saw somebody with that scar?’ I responded ummm that they were fucking amazing and so strong. Yup, that instantly laid my worries to rest.
I just also want to note that I am jumping the gun a little with this blog post by saying I’m so upset I’m going to lose my hair because right now I actually don’t even know the length and strength of chemo I’m going to be receiving. I may only receive a treatment that thins out my Samoan bushy mane – how good would that be?! haha. But, these are the thoughts that have been playing on my mind all weekend and I just need to let it out as it’s all apart of the process and my journey.
I have no choice but to allow it to be if it’s meant to be and unlike many others I have time on my side to accept and make peace with the situation before it becomes my reality. I have stood up and said boobs do not define you as a person in my previous blog post — so I should be screaming from the rooftops that neither does hair!! I am really doing my best to work on that. I’m just going to have to revamp my whole look and loss of hair is just temporary!! I really am stressing over nothing, I know..
I have googled ‘Ways to deal with hair loss’ and have read endless posts on how to deal and what you can do to prepare yourself. I have decided that I will do the below to help prepare myself for what may come in the coming weeks/months
- I’m going to go to a few wig shops and try a few on, muck around and have some fun. Although, I have found they can be pretty freaking expensive….. If anyone knows of any great wig places in the BRISBANE area let me know please! If I lose my brows I am 100% getting them tattooed!! I have always wanted to so now I have the perfect excuse
- If I find my hair starts to fall out I will slowly and gradually cut it shorter and rock a few diff cuts and styles.
- Envision myself rocking a bald look and loving it! Because I know I can!
I have now gotten to the end of this blog and I swear I feel so much better about it already. This whole blogging thing is the real deal guys! Get yourself a damn diary because I actually feel so much better after writing all of this… WOW… haha. It has now been 7 days since I officially became breast-less and I am still the same me only am I a little impaired at the moment only being able to use one arm. I’ll touch base more on my next blog on the week that has been, what I have done, how I’m healing and what’s in store for the next week!
HAPPY TUESDAY BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE!
I hope you enjoy the rest of your week.
Love & light,